Guangxun Jin 金光勋 김광훈

The simplest answer is—I can’t remember what happened before that.

In 2023, it felt like New Year’s had just passed, and suddenly it was already April. Time flew by so quickly. I tried to recall what had happened in 2023, what I had done—but to my surprise, I couldn’t remember a thing. I pushed myself to think further back, but I couldn’t recall anything from the past three years, especially during the pandemic.

That’s when I realized—something’s wrong. Seriously wrong.

In fact, when I really think about it, I can more or less recall what happened during those three years.

Work was the main part of it. During the pandemic, we were short-staffed, and hiring was tough. The workload increased, and I was constantly overwhelmed.

I also often prepared for and did something I’ll just call “Q&A.” I won’t go into details—you might guess what it is—but it felt more like a ritual to calm myself rather than a real effort to face things. So I wouldn’t say it really counted.

The other thing was working out. But because of the pandemic, I rarely went to the gym—maybe once a week, sometimes once every two or even three weeks. Rest of time, I exercised at home, but due to limited equipment, the workout intensity dropped and was just enough to barely maintain my fitness.

Thinking about all this has also brought back memories of my past reflections.

Looking back, it seems like I’ve almost never truly taken initiative to pursue what I really want. It’s as if I’ve always been passively waiting for life to happen to me. I’m good at adapting to changes, but I rarely take the initiative to create change.

I asked myself: is there anything I’ve really wanted and have consistently pursued? Fitness might be one. Not many people actually work out regularly, and there’s no one to urge you to the gym. But no matter what, I’ve always keep doing it. So, I guess that one might be counted as something I’ve actively pursued.

But then I wondered—why this? Why am I able to keep doing this one thing consistently? After thinking it through, I realized: while fitness might feel unfamiliar or even intimidating to many people when their first time to visit the gym, it has become incredibly familiar to me. Sometimes, when I’ve done the Q&A I mentioned previously and it didn’t go well, I’d feel not so good inside—but stepping into a gym would feel like coming home. It’s comforting. Fitness has become a core part of my comfort zone.

Yes—the comfort zone. That’s it. I’ve been hiding in my comfort zone all along.

But why? Why do I keep hiding there instead of trying to step out? I’ve been trying to figure it out, and slowly I’ve come to realize that the root cause is fear of failure. It’s this fear that keeps me from proactively creating change or seeking out opportunities—because doing so brings too many unknowns. Staying in the comfort zone feels like the safest way to avoid failure.

And that’s shaped my behavior pattern: even when I really want something, I might still avoid going after it—just to stay safe. But that leaves me with almost no chance to explore or grow.

I’m tired of constantly making the “wrong” choices. I have to break this behavior pattern.

To break Behavior Patterns, I need to make changes.

Change, of course, means becoming different—but that doesn’t mean I want to become someone completely different from myself.

There are many ways to change, and among them, there’s probably one method that’s the most efficient. But I might not choose that one. Why?

By the time I’m writing this, it’s already been a while since I decided to change. Yet I’ve noticed I often retreat into my comfort zone. I kept asking myself why. Eventually, I realized: the journey of change and self-growth isn’t a straight line. While it generally trends upward, it’s made up of lots of ups and downs.
Sometimes, the most “efficient” method might go completely against my nature so much so that it could actually break the line of growth altogether.

So what method should I use?

I need to “protect myself within the risk.”
Sure, this isn’t the fastest way to create the biggest change, but I believe it’s the one that suits me best. I need to push myself, little by little. I might retreat into my comfort zone from time to time, but I found that’s not an actual retreat, but recharging. And after I’ve regained my energy, I’ll keep moving forward. Slowly but surely, I’m raising my lowest bar.

If I told you what I consider a “major breakthrough,” you might think, “That’s it?”
To many people, this might be something very simple.
But I will tell you, “Yes, that’s it.” To me, it is a major breakthrough. It might have been a small thing, and maybe I even did it very poorly, but I’m proud of myself for doing it. I’ve raised my lowest bar just a bit.

I’m still that person who wants to be calm, trustworthy, and mature. I may still make a lot of “wrong” choices. In the past, I made those choices because they were the only ones I felt I had. Now, I’m trying to create another option—a “right” choice.
Little by little, I hope to develop the ability to actively choose what’s “right” and follow through with it, and become a more complete version of myself.

I’m not sure if you’ve read those earlier articles where I talked about myself. If you met me in real life, you might notice that some parts of me seem different from what I wrote. That’s not because I wasn’t being honest—those words were genuinely me.
It’s just that now, I’ve given myself another option.

I want to document my journey of change—at the very least, as a way to preserve my own memories. Before this, I never had the habit of recording anything. I don’t even have many photos of myself (except for official ID photos), so there’s barely anything for me to look back on. I still remember those little photo albums from my parents’ generation—flipping through them brings back so many memories. I want something like that for myself too.

I’ve been thinking about what kind of content I should include here.
Some very small things probably don’t need to be recorded, even though researching, learning, or trying those things can be refreshing, interesting, and valuable. There are also some inner changes or emotional ups and downs, or even some knowledge, theories, and things I learned but not good to describe in writings, I probably won’t include. Some things, I simply want to keep private. Those definitely won’t be shared—for example, the “major breakthroughs” I mentioned earlier—I won’t go into detail about what they were.

So this section will mainly focus on new experiences, like new hobbies or activities, along with some small personal thoughts.

The original plan was simply to record things, but after finishing the previous part, I felt like the vibe was a bit off.

But no matter what, I will have some fun.